I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
