I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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