I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
