DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
