i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
