I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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