Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
