My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
