true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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