If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
