So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
