i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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