i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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