Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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