i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
