Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
