You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
