drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
