I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
