I can text with my tongue
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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