you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
