Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
