today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
