Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The power of my boobs compel you
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
