and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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