I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
