I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
