My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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