and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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