You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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