the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
