haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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