pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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