Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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