Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
