Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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