Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
