dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
