I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
