I showed him my bush... on skype.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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