Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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