If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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