It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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