Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
