I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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