Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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