The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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