theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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