I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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