Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
