i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
