my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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