Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
