Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
